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It's just a taser....

PostPosted: Wed Jan 28, 2009 12:17 pm
by Annij
Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased
> his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:
>
> Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked
> my interest.. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking
> for a little something extra for my wife Julie.
>
> What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The
> effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term
> adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat
> to safety....??
>
> WAY TOO COOL!
>
> Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two
> AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
>
> Nothing! I was disappointed.
>
> I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a
> metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity
> darting back and forth between the prongs.
>
> AWESOME!!!
>
> Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on
> the face of her microwave.
>
> Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
> couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?
>
> There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
> little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I
> really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
>
> I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a
> second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I
> was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a
> mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
>
> Am I wrong?
>
> So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
> glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
> hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst
> would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was
> supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a
> three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the
> ground like a fish out of water.
> Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
>
> All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5'
> long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and
> (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no
> possible way!'
>
> What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...
>
> I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
> side as to say, 'don't do it idiot,' reasoning that a one second burst
> from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.
>
> I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I
> touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and ... HOLY
> MOTHER OF GOD ... WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION ... WHAT THE HECK!!!
>
> I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me
> up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and
> over and over again.
>
> I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears
> in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to
> be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position,
> and tingling in my legs?
>
> The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to
> a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to
> avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
>
> Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one
> note of
> caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap
> yourself!
>
> You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand
> by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be
> considered conservative?
>
>
> SON-OF-A-GUN THAT HURT LIKE HECK!!!
>
> A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
> that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
> surveyed the landscape.
>
> My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The
> recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally
> was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
>
> My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip
> weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.
>
> Apparently I crapped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and
> my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head
> which I believe came from my hair.
>
> I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant
> reward for their safe return!!
>
> P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
>
> 'If you think Education is expensive, try being stupid.'